August 2008

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Conflict and Attitudes

Relationships with family can be one of the most difficult areas of life to master, and for good reason. The people closest to us are also the ones most likely to step on our toes, infringe on our personal space and just generally be a pain in the behind. As a result, many people walk around angry and hurt from affronts, real or imagined, bestowed upon them by the people they claim to love most. Short of living in a cave, it's impossible to hide from these issues, so we might as well deal with it now before the holidays get here.

It is said that most anger is really rooted in hurt. And sometimes our pain is justified. But many of the pains people carry around as chips on the shoulder are what started as little things, grown to monsters with time and attention. And even when someone deliberately insults us, infringes on our rights or otherwise do their best to do us harm is it really beneficial to let them be successful?

Here's are two secrets many people never 'get' even though they are elementary lessons on the road to being the best person you can be: first, you have a choice in how you respond. And secondly, most people are, as Abe Lincoln once said, "about as happy as they choose to be". In other words, you are not a victim of your emotions. Just because you want to feel hurt, angry or jealous doesn't mean you have to be. You can make a choice not to. You can make a choice to say, "This is my life and I'm not going to waste another day letting Aunt Bessie's comments bother me. I am going to be happy and enjoy the day".

One of the most successful young women I know starts her days by saying, " I'm the luckiest girl alive and everybody loves me". And guess what- they do! Her sunny disposition and positive energy make her a magnet for the good things in life. Now that doesn't mean every thing comes easy for her, that she doesn't have to work or have struggles in her life. She's been a mother since age 17, already divorced at age 22 and has been through a lot of things that would have defeated a less confident person. But instead she's living in Florida, in a nice home, is well on her way to finishing her college degree, working a job on the side to make ends meet, refusing to be defeated by anyone or anything along the way. How many of us could take a few lessons from this kid?

Again, it's all in how you respond to challenges, which is often the hardest when those people are your relatives! Will you be proactive, deciding ahead of time not to let people get to you, making a choice what you will or won't think, how you will or won't respond? Or will you let that knee-jerk, thoughtless, spur of the moment reaction wreck not only your day, but that of those around you?

It's your mind, your body, your thoughts, your emotions. Either we rule them or they rule us. You decide.